Story of the Month – December 2017

The REAL Story of Rapunzel

I’m sure you have all heard the story of Rapunzel before. A slightly warped version, that is. There were a few misunderstandings that really need to be cleared up. To begin with, her name was not actually Ra-PUN-zel, but Re-PEL-zel. But let me start at the beginning.
Once upon a time there was a pirate named Repel-stiltskin. After his infamous attempt to get a real princess had failed, he decided that his own daughter must become a princess instead (a REAL princess). Now Repelzel loved being a pirate–tramping the deck, feeling the wind on her face, and commanding as ruffianly a crew as could be collected. She did NOT want to be a princess.
Nevertheless, her father insisted upon it, and locked her in the garden tower, where her Aunt Matilda gave her princess lessons every day from nine to five.
One fateful day everything went badly. When Aunt Matilda had rated her roundly for saying, “Argh!” instead of “Good morning!” she replied, “Shiver me timbers!”
Aunt Matilda had tried so hard to keep Repelzel from talking like a pirate’s daughter. She was ready to pull out her own hair by this time. Down the rigging she went (erected to help Repelzel feel at home) crying out,
“I shall tell your dear father, Repezel, how you let me down when you err.”
“Nasty old witch!” stamped Repelzel (which is NOT a nice way to speak to your Aunt).
She decided that she would run away, back to a life of freedom under the Jolly Roger. She threw her princess hat and her princess clothes and her princess shoes in a heap on the floor. She was just fishing out her spotted bandanna and spare eyepatch when she heard a noise.
This happened to be the day that Prince Rappelshins came by, searching for a damsel in distress (preferably a real princess). Now if he had not been so short-sighted, most of this story wouldn’t have happened. And if he hadn’t come from a family of famous mountaineers it wouldn’t have either (the story, that is (even their guests had to climb up twenty mattresses when they went to bed)).
What he thought he heard was “RAPPEL-zel, let down your hair.” He was sure that someone needed to be rescued (probably a real princess: he had read enough fairy tales to know). With a coil of rope slung over his shoulder, his pocket full of pitons, and an ice axe in his hand, he began the ascent.
When Repelzel saw this she thought he might try to stop her from leaving. Besides, he hadn’t asked permission to board. She bellowed, “All hands on deck! Man battle stations! Repel boarders! Jolly Roger and the open sea forever!”
All Prince Rappelshins heard was, “Rappel!” This made him so enthusiastic that he climbed even faster.
Repelzel was not used to being ignored. “Belay there!” she shouted. As you and I know, to a pirate that means, “Stop that right this instant, or I will be very, very cross with you!”
But, you see, to a mountaineer, belay means “Go ahead, all is ready and waiting for you.”
If he had had his spectacles on, he would have known instantly that he was looking at a pirate captain, not a princess in trouble. But alas, he had lost his glasses trying to catch frogs in the garden pond.
No sooner had he reached the top than Repelzel rapped his knuckles with a belaying pin, and down he slid, all the way to the bottom.
Poor Prince Rappelshins! He very sadly took all his black and blue bruises home to his mother, who bathed them in witch hazel, and promised to find him a real princess, which she did.*
Repelzel went on to captain a gallant pirate ship, with a dastardly crew, and became the terror of the high seas. Her red and green parrot was called Aunt Matilda and they lived happily ever after.

*See “The Princess and the Peapod”

Story of the Month – July 2015

CINDERELLA REVISED

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Cinderella. Her father was very poor, so little Cinderella had to work very hard in the kitchen every day, cleaning and cooking. Her clothes were very tattered and she was very dirty.

Well, one day her father married again. Cinderella’s new stepmother was very wealthy; she had two daughters, one older and one younger than Cinderella. They were very nice girls, but Cinderella didn’t like them. She would go sulk in the kitchen whenever they asked her to play.

One day there came an invitation to a ball at the palace. All the girls were very excited, but Cinderella pretended that she didn’t want to go. She had refused to wear the pretty dresses that her stepmother bought for her. Now, while the other girls got ready for the party, Cinderella complained. There was too much work to be finished, her dress wasn’t as nice as her stepsisters’ gowns, and besides, she didn’t even like the prince.

Her stepmother tried to persuade her to go. Her stepsisters offered her necklaces and sashes and bows to beautify her dress, but Cinderella declined all offers.

So when the day of the ball arrived, Cinderella stayed at home. The carriage rolled off with the rest of the family, and she went out to the garden. Tears left dirty streaks down her cheeks and dripped down onto her ragged and patched clothes.

“How mean they are to leave me here all alone,” she mumbled to herself, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I wanted to go to the ball, and they went without me.”

Just then, there was a flash of light. Cinderella’s fairy godmother appeared.

“Well, well, well,” she frowned dismally. “What am I going to do with you this time?” She shook her head. Then she grabbed Cinderella, dragged her to the fountain, and scrubbed her face and hands. Cinderella shrieked and struggled, for the water was cold and froggy.

When the F.G. was finished, they both looked rather dishevelled. “Hmm,” said the F.G. “Now how shall we get you there?” She searched in her pockets for a minute or two. “I’m afraid that I forgot my purse somewhere; otherwise I would call a taxi. I suppose I’ll have to use this. It hasn’t been working too well lately.” She pulled her wand out and looked at it with distrust.

She grabbed a gourd from the garden, and with the wave of her wand it turned into a shining coach, drawn by six sleek horses.

Cinderella sniffed. “What an awful colour it is,” she whined. The F.G. ignored her. Again her wand swished and Cinderella was arrayed in a splendid dress all covered with sparkling jewels.

“Paste!” snorted Cinderella in disgust. “And my shoes pinch!”

“One more thing,” said the F.G. She waved her wand once more. And again. And again. Unfortunately, she could not erase the sour look on her goddaughter’s face. So she bundled her into the waiting coach with the warning, “Remember the Alamo! No, no, wrong place–Remember 12 o’clock!”

It was long past the Prince’s bedtime when Cinderella arrived at the ball. She was late because the wheel of the coach had fallen off–three times–and the coach driver had had considerable trouble putting it back on. Everyone gasped when she came into the ballroom and marched up the room, in a horrid temper, with a scowl fixed on her face.

The Prince had been playing video games all evening, leaving the guests to entertain themselves as best they could. All that the Prince saw were the sparkling gems. “Wow! she must be really rich! I want to get to know her.” So they went off and played video games together.

At 11:45, Cinderella realized that she should leave soon. But she had just beaten the prince at Level 6 and wanted to go on to Level 7. So she stayed.

As the clock struck twelve, she leaped out the window. The prince snatched at her, but she was gone, leaving only a handful of rubies, diamonds, emeralds, and sapphires behind.

The prince was tempted just to keep the jewels. On the other hand, if he returned them to the girl, he could marry her and get all the jewels, plus all her other money.

So the next day he went around to all the houses of the rich people. Nobody had gems to match his handful. Until he reached Cinderella’s house. He almost didn’t recognize her with the super-sweet smile she had on her face. When she pulled some jewels out of her pocket, though, he knew he had found the right girl.

They got married immediately and lived happily ever after–at least until he found out that Cinderella had no money of her own. Cinderella’s stepmother and stepsisters lived happily ever after.